If you think about it, you’ll likely notice that each of your relationships has a predictable pattern of communication during conflict. The first step in improving conflict with someone is identifying the steps in your pattern.
Here’s an example:
Trigger: Sue is upset about something John said or did, so she asks if they can talk about it.
Reaction: John becomes defensive and angry at her for bringing it up.
Reaction: Sue withdraws and feels resentful.
Reaction: John calls her out for pouting.
Resolution: Sue decides it’s not worth fighting about and sweeps it under the rug… until next time.
Left unchecked, these patterns harden over time, leaving Sue and John feeling more disconnected.
The good news? If they can identify their pattern, they can brainstorm ways to interrupt it.
Maybe they intervene at the trigger point—Sue could avoid springing a serious talk on John unexpectedly and instead set a weekly check-in to discuss their relationship. Or John might call a “time out” when he feels attacked, giving them space to revisit the conversation when he's more open to feedback.
The key is this: solutions appear once the pattern is identified. I recommend actually diagramming the cycle on paper. Then, take the crucial next step—identify what each of you needs at every stage.
Maybe Sue needs to feel heard, while John needs to know he’s not being cast as the villain. Every reaction reveals an unmet need, which is empowering because once you know what you need from each other, you can better support one another.
The most important thing to remember is that both people have reasons for responding the way they do. There’s something they need that they are not getting. If they can approach each other with curiosity instead of judgment, they can use conflict as a way to grow closer.
Is there a relationship in your life that could benefit from diagramming your conflict pattern?