One of the biggest struggles my clients face is setting boundaries. They know they need stronger boundaries—with their children, spouses, friends, and work colleagues—but they just don’t know how.
Across the board, I see the same key mistake: They forget what I call “The Self-Care Step.”
What is the Self-Care Step?
The Self-Care Step is the missing piece in most boundary-setting attempts. It’s stating how you will take care of yourself if the other person cannot or will not help you meet your need.
Because here’s the truth: Boundaries aren’t about controlling others. They don’t force people to change or guarantee that they meet your needs. Instead, boundaries clarify how YOU will ensure your needs are met, no matter how others behave.
For example:
Let’s say you’re overwhelmed and need your family to help around the house, so you say:
"I need some help. I’d like you to keep your rooms tidy, help with clean-up after dinner, and bring your laundry to the laundry room by Sunday morning.”
If you stop there, it’s not a boundary—it’s a request.
To make it a real boundary, you must state how you will take care of yourself if they don’t comply:
"If I don’t get the help I need, I won’t have time to drive you places or host your friends over."
Now it’s clear how you will get your need for a lighter workload met. And it’s a natural consequence that makes more sense than simply taking away your kids’ phones.
Why Boundaries Strengthen Relationships
Boundaries aren’t meant to be punitive. In fact, they improve relationships because they prevent resentment.
Let’s say that again:
Boundaries improve relationships because they prevent resentment.
When we don’t enforce boundaries, we end up overextending ourselves, feeling frustrated, and resenting the people we love. But when we take responsibility for our own needs, we build relationships where everyone’s needs are more likely to be met.
So this week, think about one area where you need stronger boundaries—and make sure to include The Self-Care Step.