Want to take your relationships to the next level? This skill–above almost all others–will profoundly impact how others experience you.
When someone is upset with us it is natural to want to defend ourselves. It feels terrible to be accused of doing something wrong, especially when we don’t think we did anything wrong.
But remember this: Just because we didn’t mean to hurt the other person does not mean they don’t feel hurt by us. Both things can be true: We didn’t mean to do anything hurtful and the other person feels hurt by us.
This is where interrupting our kneejerk compulsion to defend ourselves can be so powerful. If we listen instead, we can learn something important about the other person and about ourselves. Sometimes we don’t know how we come across, and this is valuable information.
None of this means we have to admit to anything we don’t believe about ourselves, but listening to understand the other person’s experience allows them to feel heard and validated–even if we ultimately disagree with them.
It is also true that when someone is upset with us it is indicative of an underlying need we could help them fulfill:
They need to feel respected
They need to feel prioritized
They need reassurance that we care about their feelings
If we’re defensive, we keep the focus on ourselves and miss the opportunity to help someone we care about get more of their needs met, which is, after all, what makes relationships feel good.
So pay attention to when you get defensive, take a breath when you feel yourself doing it, and open to the possibility that you might be either misunderstanding what the other person is needing from you or being misunderstood by them.
If you listen first, you will be better able to find a win-win solution to whatever is upsetting them.
Who is one person in your life who would appreciate you practicing this skill?
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