If I could give just one piece of advice as a marriage and family therapist, it would be this: set aside a few minutes each week to check in on your relationships. This means scheduling a specific time that works for both of you, putting it on your calendar, and making it a consistent priority to discuss how the relationship feels and what you both could do better.
Couples who do this experience significantly higher levels of intimacy, acceptance, and satisfaction compared to those who don’t.
Here’s how to make the most of your relationship check-ins:
Start in the right headspaceMake sure both of you are ready to listen and share. If one of you isn’t in the right frame of mind to take in feedback, reschedule and do something enjoyable together instead.
Lead with the positiveBegin the conversation by sharing what’s working well and what you appreciate about your partner. Validation fosters openness and reduces defensiveness.
Talk about what you needFocus on your needs rather than pointing out what the other person is doing wrong. This simple shift sets the stage for more constructive conversations.
Here are some examples:
Instead of saying, “You’re not pulling your weight around the house,” try, “I need help with household chores. Can we talk about how you could pitch in?”
Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t have spent that money without asking me,” say, “I need to feel secure about our finances. Can we discuss big expenditures together before we make them?”
Instead of saying, “I can’t stand how mean you are to the kids sometimes,” say, “I need us to be the best parents we can be. Can we talk about how to support each other in parenting better?”
By focusing on what you need—without accusing, blaming, or complaining—you create the conditions for meaningful, solution-focused dialogue.
This works with teenagers, too!You might be surprised how far it goes to ask your teen what they need from you and how you could make the relationship better. You don’t have to grant every request, but if you genuinely listen and try to understand, they will notice. And since relationships are two-way streets, when you meet their needs, they’re much more likely to meet yours.
Who might you schedule a “relationship check-in” with this week?
The Marriage Checkup: A Randomized Controlled Trial of Annual Relationship Health Checkups; J Consult Clin Psychol. 2014 Jun 16;82(4):592–604. doi: 10.1037/a0037097